A great day has arrived in your lives, Readers, a great day. For today is the day that I have decided to publish some of my painstaking research into the subject of wanking receptacles. It's taken me five years to gather these findings, so I do hope you will find them informative.
Here it comes: the full list so far:
A (worn) sock (bachelor's No. 1 choice)
A (worn) sock called Pamela (slightly less common)
A freshly laundered sock (trick entry - I made that one up)
A tub of vaseline (subsequently disposed of)
A tin of Brylcream (subsequently disposed of)
A cut-off Head and Shoulders bottle with some nice slippery blue shampoo still lining the inside
A friend's trainers (subsequently hurriedly dried with friend's sister's hairdryer)
A watermelon
A washbag (after being rapidly emptied onto floor with the other hand)
A trombone
A mug (used)
A pillow
A new guitar (sperm-based bonding ritual)
The hole in a toilet roll (not recommended - it "didn't really work")
The fingers of mummy's rubber gloves
A frying pan (clean - at least, beforehand, that is)
A stranger's towel, discovered in a sauna at an opportune moment
A vacuum cleaner bag (presumably empty, but unfortunately I forgot to check)
A cuddly toy (with customised perforation)
A polythene bag pre-greased with body lotion and wedged into the narrow space between two single beds in a hotel room
Mother's teatowel (wiped with damp sponge and replaced on rail)
The exhaust of a Golf GTi (I don't believe this one)
A tree (frosty, in wintry field)
A jaccuzzi in a spa (no hands)
Each new vehicle purchased, in course of entire life (christening ceremony generally performed in a lay-by, the most recent vehicle being a Range Rover)
A dinner plate (after eating favourite dish off it and prior to taking a photograph of it - so I certainly believe this one)
Any gentlemen who think they may have an object to add to the above list are requested to please come forward. Identities will, of course, be treated with the utmost confidence.
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dear zora. it is with amusement that i read your respecta(b)(c)le wankinglist. some weeks ago i was driving a car from brussels to hasselt in bussy traffic whilest feeling slightly horny. i had an empty plastic waterbottle with me which i started to saw in two with the key of my housedoor (it took me several kilometers to do so). then i unzipped and used one part of the sawed bottle and started masturbating whilest driving. i came and discarded the bottle most un-ecological through the window.
ReplyDeletean other one, which i did several times in fact, is a handkerchief that hang in the dressingboots of a clothingshop.... i just hung it back. (never understood why they where there anyway)
Seth, you are a star! It is just such stories of thoughtful premeditation, resourcefulness and elaborate handicraft that I love the most. The very idea of you spending all those kilometers working away with such dedication and diligence at your bottle greatly impresses me. You could have pulled over at a petrol station and bought yourself a chain saw. And in fact, while you were in there buying it, you could have nipped into the toilet for an easy wank and forgotten all about the bottle, but no: you did not take the short-cut to ecstasy; you chose to continue fashioning your wanking receptacle by hand. Personally, I intrepret this as a good sign of your dedication and thoughtfulness in all things sexual.
ReplyDeleteNow, as to the other story, I assume that by dressingboots you mean shop changing rooms. I've never heard of handkerchiefs being hung up in shop changing rooms, which suggests to me that this can ONLY be the case in MEN'S changing rooms. And in THAT case, I can only conclude that they are deliberately placed there for the precise purpose of absorbing rougue jizz and that you are hence using them as they were intended to be used.
Probably, if they don't put those handkerchiefs in there, men will keep wanking into socks, mittens, woolly jumpers etc and then just replacing them on the shelves.
A empty banana :D
ReplyDeletePamela will always be my favourite... She caresses a bit... sometimes rough sometimes soft... depends on the material, and how long had she been in that dirty corner... forgotten... It is sad, but for her getting some cum in means starting the laundry cycle again. After all the mess she is clean and fresh again with her mates.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you wrote that. I never reveal my sources, so people could easily doubt all the sound scientific research that went into this list and think I just made it all up.
ReplyDeleteAs for Pamela, it sounds like her existence is a series of ups and downs, not to mention ins and outs. But such is life. Perhaps it would cheer her up if you washed her in fabric softener and took her out for dinner some night.