Wednesday, 21 January 2009

My First Embarrassing Orgasm

As a girl, it's exceedingly difficult to have an embarrassing orgasm - and heaven knows I've tried. Now obviously, I've frequently found myself throbbing at my desk at the precise moment that a customer calls; or when performing a "Jedi wank" on a plane, I have found myself falling into a euphoric swoon, just as the stewardess is attempting to ascertain whether I want Worchestershire Sauce in that. But somehow, that never feels inappropriate enough to count. In many ways, I merely feel immensely proud of my ability to maintain such an impeccable professional front. (Although, in moments of self-doubt, it sometimes crosses my mind that I could be quite mistaken about this. Perhaps it is flagrantly obvious that I am mid-climax. I mean, just say that someone did notice - what exactly could they possibly say? "Excuse me - sorry for asking this - but did you just orgasm at the precise moment I said "Worchestershire Sauce?")

But let us put such thoughts aside and move on to my happy news. Readers, it gives me great pleasure to announce that yesterday afternoon, I finally made my first serious foray into the world of cringeworthy orgasms. At last I know what it is to plunge from ecstasy to a clammy feeling of sheepishness. Hurrah!

And so, here it is for your delight: Zora's First Embarrasing Orgasm. I was lying on the sofa under a blanket. A video was on. I realised that I needed sexual relief - and fast. Four or five minutes later, I was pulsating inside. As the convulsions commenced, my eye focussed on the screen before me and, to my misfortune, I registered what it was that I was looking at. It was Petunia Clarke. She was standing next to an upright piano. Her hand was outstretched and between her thumb and forefinger dangled a small silver fish. To my chagrin, my orgasm ignored all these warning signs and continued to hurtle me upwards and onwards towards the giddiest heights of bliss. As my pleasure peaked, so too did the cringe factor, for it was just then that I heard Petunia say, "Rolf! What's this fish doing in your piano?" And then, moments later, as my body was shuddering and the delicious twitches were slowly starting to subside, Rolf the Dog said, "Oh, that's the piano tuna", clapped his mouth wide open and swung his head around to the audience for a long "Aaaaaaaah-aaaaaaah" Muppet laugh.

I wonder, can any of my readers beat that?