Friday, 26 February 2010

Slugs and Snails

Well, Readers, today we can all breathe a little sigh of relief around here, I think.

"What does she mean?" I hear you cry.

And I riposte, quick as a flash: what?! Didn't you notice that at least half the posts had been hidden? What do you do in here? Just look at the tit pictures? Is that it? Shame upon you! And there was I thinking you came in to ponder my art and to marvel at my wit and intelligence... (HEY! Stop scrolling down. There is no nudity in this post. NONE whatsoever, so you may as well stay up here.)

Enough of that. Let's just backtrack to the subject of the hidden posts for the time being. You remember the art competition thing I entered a few weeks ago in the hope that Steve Buscemi would give me a flat in New York? Well, I got into the finals, and that was great news, of course, but then I had a massive paranoia attack about what would happen when the judges clicked on the link from my competition profile to this blog, expecting to see deep and moving art works, and the first thing they clapped eyes on was "Be my ass-fuck Valentine". So I went through the whole blog one night carefully weeding out all the stuff about ass-fucking and snails pooing out of their ears and so on. When I'd finished, there didn't seem to be much left over, so I had to go back through the whole thing again and put a few back up. Anyway, luckily the judging is over and Steve Buscemi and his art-world chums have now presumably all gone home for tea. They didn't give me the flat in the end, but I did get an "honorable mention" which is worth much MUCH more, I think. (Shut up! It is!)

Actually, you're right. It isn't. But that is neither here nor there. The only reason I am writing this post is to announce to you that I have just spent a pleasantly frivolous early-afternoon putting all the embarrassing, rude and puerile back-posts which I had made private last week back up again. This blog has thus been lovingly restored to it's pre-Buscemi levels of filthiness. And now please allow me to set the tone back to its accumstomed level so that we can all relax again:

Snails poo and breathe out of little arseholes on one side of their heads. I have seen and heard them doing it.

Thank you. You may now resume your ordinary activities.

(See? Told you there wouldn't be nudity. Now go back up to the top and read this properly, you scallywag.)


  1. the buscemi complex, so.

  2. Don't say his name too loudly, or he may come back.

  3. would you (really) mind?

    (i mean - now you don't have anything to loose anymore?)

  4. I'm a very territorial creature. I need to feel that I'm the only celebrity in this little corner of the web. So if he turned up here, I'd certainly growl at him and narrow my eyes into menacing little slits.

  5. So sorry to post this off-topic not to mention irrelevant question as a comment here, but it's been eating me on the inside for days: what type of Polaroid camera are you using and with which film paper? Your photos, as well as those from Tickl mag look stunning!

  6. So, Clara... you have the audacity to pose a serious photographic question? I am astounded. But pleased, because it's a wonderful thing when someone falls for Polaroid. Not everyone "gets it" and a lot of people think you can get the same effects with that clever i-phone app. And you can't, of course. Anything that gives you a controllable, predictable result at the push of a button is lightyears away from Polaroid and moving further away by the nanosecond.

    Unfortunately, the question of which films I am using is a little sad to answer, because many of the most beautiful films ever made are now really difficult to get hold of.

    First of all, you need to know that there are two basic technologies:

    1)integral film (the shots with the square white frame which is thicker across the bottom and which develop before your eyes). The camera I (and most other people) use for this is an SX-70 camera, which is often easy to find quite cheap on ebay.

    2) Pack film - also known as peel-apart film. This is the older system. The pictures are usually rectangular with a narrow white border and you have to pull them out of the camera by hand and wait for two minutes before peeling them open.) For this you need one of the "Polaroid Land Cameras" - I have one called the 195, but there are many similar models, such as the 185 or the 250 or 350 (the latter two don't have such good lenses).

    The most beautiful integral film is called SX-70, like the camera. It's horribly hard to find now. Other films I use with my SX-70 camera are TZ Artistic, Fade to Black and 600. They are all out of production, but the good news is that brand new alternatives are under development and available from "The Impossible Project" (you can google them).

    My favourite pack film is called ID-UV or 669. I also like the black and white film 664 and the Sepia 100. You might still find some of these films on ebay. No alternative products are currently being developed, but Fuji still makes pack film which fits in the same cameras. (I don't like the Fuji much, but I hope The Impossible Project will branch out into pack film too, some day.)

    If you want to get started yourself, then I'd recommend you to take a look around I hope you find inspiration.

  7. Wow, you've been a bundle of help! I'm really not used to people on blogs giving such comprehensive replies, so yours was a pleasant surprise :).
    I only have two more questions to bug you with. The SX-70 camera you have is by chance this one: ? And I've been checking the Polanoid website out and it really seems that the SX-70 film is exquisit. Is there really no place where I could find it? And if there is, could you recommend one to me?
    Cheers xoxo

  8. Hi Clara,

    Glad to be of help. I do have an SX-70 like that one, but these ones with the brown leather are the classy older models and though they look great, I find the automatic exposure system of the newer (not quite so nice-looking)cheaper-built models seem to work better on indoor shots, so I usually use one called the SX-70 Alpha.

    As for SX-70 film, you can still find it sometimes if you keep your eye out on the US eBay. It is always expired, which can give you lovely effects if you're lucky or, if you're unlucky, you may end up with nothing on any of the shots at all. Considering that people sometimes pay around 80 US dollars for a pack with ten shots, it's a big risk. But that's what addiction does to you!