Thursday, 12 February 2009

The Inexcusables

Does anyone else have an "Inexcusables List"? This is mine:

- Dipping mum's toothbrush in the toilet (revenge for severe beating with tennis racket).

- Gleefully depositing incredible monster bogie in Joey's Aunt Cecilia's cut glass vase (revenge for trivial offence).

- Spitting into chalice at holy communion (pact with Satan).

- Feeding former boss a) various kinds of rotting food b) carefully prepared slices of cake with very long hairs wrapped around them c) coke spiked with entire pack of Sweetex d) items discovered on kitchen floor (unorthodox but highly successful technique for restoration of sanity).

- Cheerfully making date with man in park, who said he wanted to cook a three-course meal for me at his flat, writing down address, listening attentively to directions to flat, waving goodbye and calling "See you later" while fully aware that I was never going to turn up (weariness).

- Telling all of Jan's friends that Jan's sweet but tame girlfriend had only moved from Hungary to Sweden because "Hungary wasn't pervy enough for her" thereby creating interminable running joke that was eventually publicly related to Jan and his girlfriend in my presence at a party attended by his friends, parents and potential customers (flippancy).

- On being visited by ex-boyfriend with drippy new girlfriend in tow, secretly retrieving cat's fork from open tin of cat food in fridge, giving it cursory rinse under cold tap, presenting it to her as an ordinary piece of cutlery and then gleefully watching her eat with it and attempting to disguise continual fits of uncontrollable giggling as a naturally bubbly and friendly nature (punishment for always leaving a pointless token leftover amount on every plate, no matter how measly you make her portions).