Diary of a Lady Pornographer - Porn Holiday

I've said it before and I'll say it again, a pornographer's work is never done. Honestly, keeping you folks' peckers up is a more relentless task than stoking a steam engine. You get one pile of wankfuel shovelled into the furnace and just as you've wiped the lipgloss from your nipples and wrapped yourself in a kimono, down goes the blaze and you have to start all over again. Chuh. What a life.

I spent last weekend taking Polaroids of myself in front of the Kremlin, dressed as a topless news correspondent ('80s-style - hence the aforementioned lipgloss). It was a demanding shoot, as you would imagine, so I was really looking forward to taking a well-earned break in Amsterdam this weekend. All week, I kept imagining myself packing my case, casually catching sight of my nipple gloss and just tossing it over my shoulder with a musical peal of laughter, knowing I wouldn't be needing it. I also pictured myself skipping through the red light district dressed in some sort of voluminous jumper and maybe even trainers. I wanted to revel in the luxury of letting the other girls do all the gruelling panting and cavorting for a change. Holiday! A real proper holiday from all that pesky porn-making.

But I hadn't reckoned on Um Chief, the Lady Carmen. Hardly had the flights been booked than her little list plopped into my mailbox. "When we're in Amsterdam, Mischief darling, there are a few little appointments we need to squeeze in."

Picture my dismay, Readers. Instead having a fantastic time not brushing my hair until I look like a manner of vagrant muppet squirrel, it looks like muggins here will have to spend a whole day writhing in front of a camera crew, watching young men masturbating and licking other ladies' nipples. Damn, damn, damn and blast it! Don't you just hate it when these things happen? Take a tip from me, Readers: never go on holiday with a collegue - especially not another lady pornographer.